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9.11 - I cried when I saw the planes crash into the buildings. I was at work...and at an office at that. Filled with people who couldn't�t care if I was there or not. But for some reason we all became closer that day. But I sat there crying - and not because of the people who did die - but for the people who will die. The people in the cities of the eastern world that get caught in the crossfire. the women, the children, the men who have nothing to do with this "war" but will die because of where they live and their brown skin. Yes, thousands of innocent people died that day. An eye for an eye does nothing but make us all blind. Flags - fucking flags everywhere. I SO refuse. I wouldn�t fly one before, why would I fly one now? I am no more proud of my country than I was before 9.11. In fact...I�ve never been proud of my country. We fuck ourselves. We fuck the people of our country every day. And we are supposed to rally together to fuck other people? Nah..I think not. I refuse to fly a flag to represent my pride in a nation that so categorically fucks everyone it comes into contact with. Marijuana. I smoke it. Yes I do. I'm not a pot head, but I smoke pot. I would rather get stoned that drunk. In fact, I don't even really like to get drunk. I went through a very long period in my life when even the very mention of it would send me into a tizzy of ranting about the dangers of the drug. My family, my beloved family, has a long history of addiction to this green sticky substance. I stayed away from it, and wanted everyone around me to stay away as well, because of that. It was a deep seeded fear of being abandoned...having the drug be more important than me, that made me fear it. I have come to realize that the drug was never more important than me, but because I was a child it seemed like it. Given the choice he chose his family. And he�s chosen us ever since. I know that in my present life, the new "he", will chose me if given the choice - which is, end the end, all that matters. Sexuality. I consider myself a bisexual. I have never done anything more with a girl than kiss her. (It was during a dumb ass game of dare in 1995 - so it wasn't one where she wanted me and I wanted her.) I have always found that women are beautiful and entrancing. Women smell good, they dress better, and they are so pretty. They can flaunt their sexiness without looking dumb. I want to do many things with women, but I have a fear of rejection. I don't know what to do with women. I don't know how to come on to them - but I should. I AM a fucking woman. But I don't. I fear the unknown..the unknown being my ability to please a woman. Attractiveness. What makes someone attractive is a combination of many things. If they can make me laugh or smile, and it's not cause I am laughing at their stupidity, then I am immediately attracted. It's always been that way. My body isn't the only thing they need to be able to stimulate. Being smart is very sexy. Dumb as a box of rocks doesn�t cut it with me. Even if you as hot as shit. Cause the minute you open your mouth...you cease to be attractive. If I can spend hours talking with you...getting lost in where the conversation changed topics...I�m more likely to want to see you naked. Which is really the point isn't it? We are all, ultimately, trying to see people naked. Racist people. There is this guy that also goes to the brass mug that flaunts his racism like a banner. It's so fucking annoying. He wears a rebel flag and is always talking bout his Arian (sp) Nation. I wore a shirt the other day that said "Racism - Just undo it" but he wasn't there...so it was for naught. I don't want him to ever think that I believe like he does. He's the type of guy that will believe that cause you also look like him, and you frequent the same bar, then you think like him. I may be assuming a lot about him though. But the way he interacts with his "people" I don't think I'm that wrong. He tried to get me to talk to him the other day...by pointing and me and telling me to him. I don't scamper for anyone. You want to talk to me, then come to me. Don�t beckon me to you. If I seem interesting, make the goddamn effort. I think that I�ve exhausted myself trying to be smart. I think I need a nap now. I think that I like to come off as dumb in a way..no one challenges me that way. I don't have to dig deep into myself, or my mind, to have a conversation. I'm lazy.
That's It.