there are some things going on in my life that are making things really crazy. I am not going to post about them here, and I don’t want to be asked about them. If I have told you about them, then you know what I mean. If you don’t know, then please respect my privacy. It’s been hard to think about anything else lately, so writing in here hasn’t been a priority, or even something that I CAN do. I mean there are things I want to say, but won’t/can’t

1. Do you like to drink warm beverages in the morning or do you prefer yours cold? If I drink anything in the morning, it’s prolly milk. Or juice. And cold. Very cold. Sometimes I like hot cocoa, but usually that’s only when I go out to breakfast or something.

2. Have you ever been so upset with someone that you wanted to get revenge? What did you do? Or if you didn’t, what would you like to have done? Of course. Cept I am not really a revenge person. I can never bring myself to do it. I guess im just TOO nice

3. Looking back, are there any opportunities you missed out on that you can see now but didn’t realize then? I wish that I hadn’t stopped dancing. I quit ballet after 5th grade to join the swim team, then quit the swim team after two weeks cause I didn’t want to wear a tampon. I wish that I had stayed with dancing. I could have been really good.

4. Are there any clothes you refuse to throw away even though they don’t (and never will) fit? Why do you keep them? Probably. I’ve got lots and lots of clothes and there are prolly some in there that don’t fit and never will, but I wouldn’t know. I never see them.

5. Are there any phrases or words you say that tip folks that “you aren’t from around these parts? I said soda, most people say pop. I say yall, most people down here don’t. Sometimes I sound very southern even though this is the most south I’ve ever lived.

6. Are there any words folks misspell or incorrect uses of words that simply drive you insane? oi oi oi! They’re and there and their. You’re and your. When people type neways instead of anyways. It’s one damn letter. I know there are more, I just can’t think of any right now.

7. Are there any pet names that you like to be called? Any you don’t? Do you (or did you) have any pet names for your partner? I call my husband bear. I think that started when he had a full beard in college and he was fuzzy wuzzy like a bear. I REALLY hate it when OTHER people call him that to make fun of him. It’s so RUDE! Its my pet name for him, a sweet thing, and they try to turn it into a joke. It really REALLY pisses me off! Bear usually calls me sweetie or honey. Nothing too fancy.

I got my phone bill today!! 121.72 for FIVE collect calls when I was at camp!! Every call I made was after 10pm. How on EARTH do they fucking cost so much!! 22.09, 66.59, 6.66, 12.30, 14.08! A three minute call at 10:22pm is costing me six dollars and sixty six cents! What the F U C K!?!? I am so never going to use 1-800 CALL ATT anymore!! GOODNESS!! THAT is SO SO SO expensive!!! Don’t use 1 800 CALL ATT!!! Use something else!!!!!

oh WHY oh WHY didn’t I have him call me back?!?!

1. Would you say that you’re good at keeping in touch with people? I would say that I am fairly good. With some people its harder than with other people. Mostly, if they are online I can keep in touch. I do try to stay in contact with people via other ways, but the only person I write snail letters to is myBrian. Sometimes I will call people and talk to them, and I talk to Brian about once a month.

2. Which communication method do you usually prefer/use: e-mail, telephone, snail mail, blog comments, or meeting in person? Why? All of those. Anything that gets me human contact really. I don’t care. They are all so different and meaningful in their own way that they are all important. I like all of them, but it also depends on who its from. Course...I love communication. I love getting emails, and blog comments and the such.

3. Do you have an instant messenger program? How many? Why/why not? How often do you use it? AIM, Kayseebay, everyday. Yahoo, Kayseebay, every day, MSN, kaysee@tampabay.rr.com, rarely. I like AIM, have lots of friends on that but I can use my cam and mic on Yahoo.

4. Do most of your close friends live nearby or far away? My closest friends are The Mr Q and TheBest Friend. I live with one (The Mr Q) and the other lives far away. We are slowly building up our friendship base here, which means I am making more close friends that are near.

5. Are you an “out of sight, out of mind” person, or do you believe that “distance makes the heart grow fonder”? Both. Sometimes when someone is gone I don’t think about them. Other times I think about them a WHOLE lot! It is a toss of a coin how I will feel about you. :-) I’m just weird like that

I got there and it was great. then slowly I started to feel less good about myself. its hard to feel beautiful when you are twice as big as any of the other women there.I did however get complimented a couple of times by the girls. one beautiful one even said that she was jealous of me. she said I had gorgeous skin and wished hers looked like mine. she also really liked my hair. I guess...maybe..it wasn’t so bad after all. Oh yah..she said I smelled really yummy and complimented me on it a couple of times. Ok...maybe I should just focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. it can be really hard to do. People can be so focused on a certain look, and, well, I don’t have that look. I think I am beautiful, and it’s really nice to hear it from other people. It’s also really nice to be desired by someone who desires someone, and has been with, someone UBER desirable. I know that made no sense, but it did to me in my weird-oh head.

Yesterday while driving home and hearing “fragile” by Sting I weepingly thanked God for allowing me, to be. I am grateful for many things. I have a wonderful husband and many wonderful friends. I am blessed with loving parents and brothers. I am healthy and very happy. I am alive. I lost no one on 9.11.01 but am full of sorrow for those who were lost. I say goodbye to the pictures of people when they are shown on TV. I send wishes of love over time and space to those whose hearts are broken. I am grateful to be alive. I appreciate everything that has been given to me, and everything that I have taken out of life. I didn’t believe in God until 9/1, but yesterday day I cried while speaking to him. I am thankful that he let me come to her on my own terms. I don’t even KNOW all the terms yet, but I am thankful to her that he will let me find them in my own way.

I had to call to get directions to the “River Chicken” House. Mike (drummer) answered the phone. He gave great directions, but then when I asked what the house number was he proceeded to give me the phone number. I said “NO, the house #.” He said “Oh yah, you just called me!: It was really funny. Maybe you had to be there, I dunno.

Got to meet and hang out with some one who is, well, a rock star, and is totally cool! I, of course being the non metal music person that I am, didn’t know who he was, just that he was in a band. So...well...I met him, and he rocks! :-) I gave him a ride to his car from the party back to the bar. I cannot remember how we started talking, and I keep fucking trying hard to remember too. The Black Bat Bled Black Blood. He tried to get me to say that fast and I couldn’t. Well..I think that’s what he tired to get me to say, I can’t quite remember. He said he was glad to meet me, and I feel the same way. He would be WAY cool to me even if he hadn’t been in Cannibal Corpse or in Malevolent Creation. I mean really - the only reason I know who CC is, is cause Ive seen people with the T-shirt on. I’d never heard any music by them before. I even got to hear their (MC) new CD, and its not even OUT yet. I got to hear the master tracks. How fucking cool is that!??

Lots of role reversal. Holly and I talked about mailing lists for like 30 minutes. Vern and Rob sat and talked about how when they use a computer it stops working. Yesterday at the Tire place (got 2 tires replaced) all the people in the waiting room were women. One of the chicks actually replaced her own radiator. She was all pretty in white and stuff too. Hard to imagine her all greasy from car work. It was just cool. I got the car fixed, with The Mr Q’s help. I called about the tires, without his help. It was empowering. I liked it man, I liked a lot.